Shortcuts to Happiness: Part xvi

Not long ago I heard someone say (he’s a therapist) that being with his wife was like being alone………kinda strange you may think? Once the guy had realized what he had said, he began to qualify his comment to appease his friends’ glares.

This is what he said, “what I wear, or how my hair is combed, what I choose to do, whether I burp loudly or quietly, whether I am reclusive or extroverted, quiet or energetic are not issues when I am alone. I am and can be exactly who I am without judgments. When I am in the presence of this lady I share my life with, I feel the same delicious freedom that I feel when I am alone. Her love and acceptance of me and mine of her provide both of us with an open and nurturing environment which not only supports but champions personal authenticity.”

Some claim that they pay a high price for their authenticity. Indeed at times the immediate responses may not appear supportive. However in this user-friendly universe, when our authenticity comes from happiness and love, the gain of lessons from such honest sharing and self affirmation ultimately benefit both ourselves and those we meet. In addition, we tend to attract those who appreciate and want the same openness and authenticity.

When we start to reinvent ourselves to become the authentic “me” there can be many adverse effects. My friends might not like the new “me” because they might not have control over the new “me” any more, or they might not like me disagreeing with their cause, they don’t understand that I don’t show anger to a situation. Why do I have to be angry to bring about change? If I allowed that to happen I would not be my authentic self. I don’t want to be controlled by anyone as I don’t want to control the other. I can fight for causes, I can bring peace, but peace in me brings peace in others, freedom of self brings freedom to others.

Authenticity is a choice (freedom to be me) over self suppression. I have realized on many occasions that I prefer to be alone than to wear a mask that no longer fits. I want to be able to express myself freely and completely with those who choose to be with me. Sure people may walk away, I guess to those still wanting their unhappiness and anger reinforced, I no longer appear attractive. New friendships are created on acceptance, respect & love and in turn they are more honest, nurturing & fulfilling & I can begin to put more trust into my journey called life.

Shortcuts to Happiness: Part xv

When I was a student, codes of dress, peer pressure, parents & teachers’ guidance on how to think & what to think coerced me into becoming an actor in my own life, playing parts that I believed I should perform for my own self preservation. I acquired and carried into adulthood, masks which often didn’t fit: the Mother mask, the teacher mask, the lover mask, the superwife mask, the business person mask, the secretary mask. Each mask possessed it own flow & rhythm.

Yes, even being a Mother I would have felt better and my children would have responded better to the essence of me, instead of the mask. Sometimes I would feel or sense a dissonance between the masks energy and my own inner feelings. A struggle of the true inner me of letting go & showing my kids my love and truth about me. I didn’t have to abandon the activities we had chosen, but once free of the masks, we could review and consider the activities from a happier place within. I received the best compliment of my life when my 6 year old granddaughter told me that I was like a little child whilst I was playing on the floor with her dolls house.

What happens if we listen more closely to our inner inclinations as we greet each situation? What if we drop the “shoulds” “have to’s” and “musts” and replace them with innocence, spontaneity and curiosity?

We often uphold standards without questioning them. Most significantly, in the process we deny entire aspects of ourselves and squeeze the ‘bigness’ of ourselves into a tight confining role. Funnily enough we adjust to the confinement and then fear breaking through the barriers we helped erect.

I am not suggesting we behave differently from the responsibilities and morals that we were taught, but could we be parents who are honest, open, strong, vulnerable, sometimes clear or confused? As wives and husbands could we not be authentic in our feelings, concerns and love and be willing to tear down the walls of silence we may have
built? As business men and women could we value sincerity and straight talk as a powerful tool to build trust with our clients, customers and co-workers? To be respectful, open, honest and dealing with people in a loving manner. Even if we had no guarantee of results, how would it feel to allow ourselves the full expression of who we are?

Shortcuts to Happiness: Part xiv

I’ve heard some people say that if they are happy all of the time then won’t life become blah, bland and dull without the rollercoaster ride of life. In my experience I have seen just the opposite. As individuals become more at ease accepting and trusting themselves and others, they tend to be more distinctly themselves. Therefore I believe that happiness accents rather than diminishes individuality. In fact the happier a person delights in his own idiosyncratic ways and uses personal authenticity as yet another useful tool the better he feels and will encourage others to be the same.

I once saw a very straight laced lady behave in a most forbidding and cold way to the people around her and then a transformation took place when her little granddaughter appeared. Suddenly this woman was taken out of her austere demeanor as she cuddled her granddaughter and suddenly her face became animated as she cooed and smiled. For a fleeting moment the lady lowered her mask and allowed her silliness and inner joy to surface. However, when she realized that people were watching her and were also smiling broadly she once again became self conscious, returned the baby to her Mother and resumed in her usual manner. The baby had inspired an innocent and authentic response.

What would the impact be if we all began greeting the circumstances of our life like small children? A baby explores his world with dancing eyes. His tiny hands will grasp and hold objects, everything goes to his mouth no object in view escapes his curiosity and investigation. A small child is fascinated, spontaneous and curious about everything. Little people are forever busy, their endless motion unencumbered by judgments and self-incriminations. They are the planets great adventurers, genuine explorers who dare to bring themselves fully to every experience. They don’t simply go with the flow, they are their own flow. They don’t simply act happily; they are happiness in action.

How wonderful to know the uncensored authenticity of another human being, who can take their cues from within and give to the world so freely without role playing in accordance with external standards.