Shortcuts to Happiness. Part xx

As I continue to walk my path in life trying to be happier more loving to all around me, its sometimes hard to sustain that feeling of happiness that is so essential to me now.
Hardships and occurrences may happen in life, which is hard to cope with and life does not always take the path that I feel I want or expect, but one thing that I have found that helps me to sustain the ‘happiness feeling’ is ‘Gratitude.’

Gratitude is a personality characteristic that people clearly display when they become happier. Although a lot of work and effort has gone into their individual journeys toward increased clarity and comfort, most find that a sustained experience of happiness goes beyond their dreams.

When we are happy, we are truly grateful. The reverse also holds true. When we are grateful we are truly happy. In fact, sometimes I call gratitude the sweetest way to embrace happiness when I forget. We can cut through all the misery by turning our attention to being grateful.

In spite of all the catastrophes that might occur we can find little and larger ways to be thankful for what we have. Gratitude then becomes the shortest of shortcuts to happiness. Before proceeding further, we would do well to deal first with what might feel like a natural human propensity to resist gratitude and appreciation.

Most of us have probably been raised with the ‘should’ of politeness. Perhaps we have said thank you so often without sincere appreciation, so that the words stand devoid of any real feeling and meaning. How often have I heard my parents and others tell me to say thank you as a child, when I didn’t want to or see the need to, so my need to say thank you now is sometimes polluted by the memories of insincere gratitude. Gratitude was a pretense, almost a punishment for not being allowed to express my true feelings.

Not only do we resist feeling appreciation, we refrain from expressing it for strategic and tactical reasons. If I say “Thank you” do we now owe something in return? If we express gratitude for help does that diminish us? Suppression of feelings for reasons of self-protection is an illusion. We gain nothing by our silence and our stoicism. We do not cheat the world with our lack of gratitude we only cheat ourselves.

To simply mouth the expression of gratitude is what has been the problem since childhood with the obligatory “thank you.” Words! They did not always encourage us to do it. A smile begins to do it. A hug amplifies the feeling. A helping hand or meaningful support makes gratitude even more tangible. In no way do our actions minimize the silent gratitude we might feel while viewing a sunset or watching a sky full of eagles migrate to a foreign land. To be grateful means not only to delight, enjoy and appreciate, but also to recognize simultaneously the blessing and the wonder of an experience. In such moments there is only happiness.

Shortcuts to Happiness. Part xix

The secret to Happiness lies not in events but in our responses to them. One of the most difficult events a person can face is the death of a loved one or the ‘death’ of a relationship, or (I know this sounds strange) to an addiction e.g. alcohol: drugs: cigarettes, anything where there is withdrawal to produce cravings. There is always a grieving process.

I once knew a guy who had lost his sister in a traffic accident. He was a close friend of mine and my immediate response was to want to go and comfort him. I felt the pangs of hurt that death causes which I remember so well from my Grandfather. I wondered what I could say or do to comfort my friend whose grief must have been so deep. Would he be hysterical or collapsing in anguish and sorrow, crying miserably because of his loss?

When I arrived at his house I realized that I didn’t know what to say or how to act. I imagined consoling my friend but I wasn’t sure how to do it. Was I to hug him, cry with him or curse the universe with him, my goodness I thought, he had to face the death of his younger sister and he was only a young guy himself, I entered his room where he sat quietly with a candle burning on the desk. He smiled easily and to my surprise he talked about his sisters passing.

In accordance with his religious doctrine, he believed she had become one with G-d and the universe. The candle was a symbol of eternal life and the transition into another dimension. He believed that something had been gained by her loss and I learned that our reactions and experiences follow from our beliefs and judgments, the biggest belief here being, G-d or a Higher Power of this persons understanding.

Our viewpoint determines our experience. As a young girl I viewed death as the most difficult of human events, having struggled myself with the loss of relationships and death but, I realized that others had the capability, of embracing it quite differently. Death is neither good nor bad until we judge it so and we judge it within our own cultural, religious and personal biases.

Shortcuts to Happiness. Part xviii

In my experience I realize that we not only give over our opinions on every subject, but we have learned to judge from a particular stand point. We have become very clever at pinpointing all that’s difficult and bad in our lives and in the world around us. The media reflects and reinforces this bias. The reward is continual stress, discomfort and anxiety. We set ourselves up for unhappiness rather than for peace and comfort.

We spend most of our lives judging, but by making these very judgments because we want to distinguish between “good and bad” “right and wrong” “possible or impossible” in order to help us make decisions and choose behaviors we are distancing ourselves from creating new possibilities in our lives. Instead we get stuck in our very own conclusions, our judgments keeping us in our unhappiness.

For example someone might declare his/her love for us. Immediately, we ask ourselves “is this persons’ declaration of love, caring and intimacy good or bad for me”? One possible answer this is ‘good’ (the judgment) now I can feel valued (the feeling) and we can get married (the action). Or the alternative might be this is ‘bad’ for me (the judgment) because I will now feel pressured (the feeling) to commit more time and energy to this relationship so I better leave to preserve my freedom (the action).

Very simply the stimulus, in this case, (the declaration of love) does not create happiness or unhappiness; the stimulus just is! How we judge it determines how we feel and how we act. If we judge a circumstance to be good (not only for us, but for those we love and for humanity) we feel excited, happy, fulfilled and tend to support or move toward the experience. If we judge it as bad, then we feel duly angry, fearful, anxious or sad and tend to move away from the experience.

As human beings we have demonstrated an uncanny ability to turn any set of circumstances into an opportunity to be uncomfortable or unhappy. Unwittingly, we have been misled by a culture that has taught us systematically to use discomfort at almost every juncture as the best way to take care of ourselves.
Frequently we view ourselves as responders to or victims of situations rather than the authors of our experiences.

As a result we can easily loose our way and become confused with our entire thinking process, condemning it erroneously for robbing us of inner peace and tranquility. In contrast we can be grateful for our skills and talents and use them for our benefit. We can in fact use our capabilities to create beliefs and make judgments as a tool for our own personal liberation from discomfort.

Shortcuts to Happiness. Part xvii

Growing up, my biggest fear was not just of other people but of myself, I became more and more afraid of what I saw was developing in me (character defects) and afraid of what others would see. Especially my Mother who thought I was perfect. I felt the risk that I associated with authenticity to be quite threatening but in reality it is quite illusory. The more we nurture ourselves and remove our masks we can allow our uncensored expression, allowing the rhythms within blend with those surrounding us. We create inner-outer harmony. It’s a little like positive attraction, if we think positively we attract the positive.

In my experience, once personal authenticity has been discovered, I feel we can abandon the masks and masquerades that are not truly ours so that we can embrace and nurture our most inner essence. We give up only the laborious task of playing the games. We have nothing to hide from anyone, especially ourselves. In effect, we simplify our lives. One face greets every situation without embarrassment or regret, we know who we are.

Before my own recovery of my authentic self, I would rehearse the ‘right’ response to the imagined or real situation. Now I can trust myself in most situations (progress not perfection) to trust myself by allowing the response I feel in any given moment. Some people mistakenly think that this gives them a license to kill” to be rude and attacking but what materializes suggests quite the opposite. Unhappy commentaries are not signs of authenticity they are signs of unhappiness. My experience teaches me that increased openness and honesty enhance a sense of personal ease and inner harmony bringing growing comfort (happiness) instead of dis-ease, which in turn brings increased respect and love for those around us.

This doorway to happiness is opened easily. We can begin by sharing with a friend, son, daughter, parent, spouse some fact about ourselves we might have kept secret or at least, shared rarely or only partially with anyone else. The very next time we try to keep the ‘secret’ in a conversation we can override that impulse and allow our thoughts and feelings to be expressed. As we begin now to share more freely our concerns, we may also begin now to smile more freely at a child or some interaction on the bus or hold out our hand more easily to a stranger. These acts too can be wondrous expressions of personal authenticity.
Once I could accept myself for who I am and I know what my faults are it’s easier to accept the faults of others.

Next week: Letting go of judgments……… and then we’re really on the happiness path.

Shortcuts to Happiness: Part xvi

Not long ago I heard someone say (he’s a therapist) that being with his wife was like being alone………kinda strange you may think? Once the guy had realized what he had said, he began to qualify his comment to appease his friends’ glares.

This is what he said, “what I wear, or how my hair is combed, what I choose to do, whether I burp loudly or quietly, whether I am reclusive or extroverted, quiet or energetic are not issues when I am alone. I am and can be exactly who I am without judgments. When I am in the presence of this lady I share my life with, I feel the same delicious freedom that I feel when I am alone. Her love and acceptance of me and mine of her provide both of us with an open and nurturing environment which not only supports but champions personal authenticity.”

Some claim that they pay a high price for their authenticity. Indeed at times the immediate responses may not appear supportive. However in this user-friendly universe, when our authenticity comes from happiness and love, the gain of lessons from such honest sharing and self affirmation ultimately benefit both ourselves and those we meet. In addition, we tend to attract those who appreciate and want the same openness and authenticity.

When we start to reinvent ourselves to become the authentic “me” there can be many adverse effects. My friends might not like the new “me” because they might not have control over the new “me” any more, or they might not like me disagreeing with their cause, they don’t understand that I don’t show anger to a situation. Why do I have to be angry to bring about change? If I allowed that to happen I would not be my authentic self. I don’t want to be controlled by anyone as I don’t want to control the other. I can fight for causes, I can bring peace, but peace in me brings peace in others, freedom of self brings freedom to others.

Authenticity is a choice (freedom to be me) over self suppression. I have realized on many occasions that I prefer to be alone than to wear a mask that no longer fits. I want to be able to express myself freely and completely with those who choose to be with me. Sure people may walk away, I guess to those still wanting their unhappiness and anger reinforced, I no longer appear attractive. New friendships are created on acceptance, respect & love and in turn they are more honest, nurturing & fulfilling & I can begin to put more trust into my journey called life.

Shortcuts to Happiness: Part xv

When I was a student, codes of dress, peer pressure, parents & teachers’ guidance on how to think & what to think coerced me into becoming an actor in my own life, playing parts that I believed I should perform for my own self preservation. I acquired and carried into adulthood, masks which often didn’t fit: the Mother mask, the teacher mask, the lover mask, the superwife mask, the business person mask, the secretary mask. Each mask possessed it own flow & rhythm.

Yes, even being a Mother I would have felt better and my children would have responded better to the essence of me, instead of the mask. Sometimes I would feel or sense a dissonance between the masks energy and my own inner feelings. A struggle of the true inner me of letting go & showing my kids my love and truth about me. I didn’t have to abandon the activities we had chosen, but once free of the masks, we could review and consider the activities from a happier place within. I received the best compliment of my life when my 6 year old granddaughter told me that I was like a little child whilst I was playing on the floor with her dolls house.

What happens if we listen more closely to our inner inclinations as we greet each situation? What if we drop the “shoulds” “have to’s” and “musts” and replace them with innocence, spontaneity and curiosity?

We often uphold standards without questioning them. Most significantly, in the process we deny entire aspects of ourselves and squeeze the ‘bigness’ of ourselves into a tight confining role. Funnily enough we adjust to the confinement and then fear breaking through the barriers we helped erect.

I am not suggesting we behave differently from the responsibilities and morals that we were taught, but could we be parents who are honest, open, strong, vulnerable, sometimes clear or confused? As wives and husbands could we not be authentic in our feelings, concerns and love and be willing to tear down the walls of silence we may have
built? As business men and women could we value sincerity and straight talk as a powerful tool to build trust with our clients, customers and co-workers? To be respectful, open, honest and dealing with people in a loving manner. Even if we had no guarantee of results, how would it feel to allow ourselves the full expression of who we are?

Shortcuts to Happiness: Part xiv

I’ve heard some people say that if they are happy all of the time then won’t life become blah, bland and dull without the rollercoaster ride of life. In my experience I have seen just the opposite. As individuals become more at ease accepting and trusting themselves and others, they tend to be more distinctly themselves. Therefore I believe that happiness accents rather than diminishes individuality. In fact the happier a person delights in his own idiosyncratic ways and uses personal authenticity as yet another useful tool the better he feels and will encourage others to be the same.

I once saw a very straight laced lady behave in a most forbidding and cold way to the people around her and then a transformation took place when her little granddaughter appeared. Suddenly this woman was taken out of her austere demeanor as she cuddled her granddaughter and suddenly her face became animated as she cooed and smiled. For a fleeting moment the lady lowered her mask and allowed her silliness and inner joy to surface. However, when she realized that people were watching her and were also smiling broadly she once again became self conscious, returned the baby to her Mother and resumed in her usual manner. The baby had inspired an innocent and authentic response.

What would the impact be if we all began greeting the circumstances of our life like small children? A baby explores his world with dancing eyes. His tiny hands will grasp and hold objects, everything goes to his mouth no object in view escapes his curiosity and investigation. A small child is fascinated, spontaneous and curious about everything. Little people are forever busy, their endless motion unencumbered by judgments and self-incriminations. They are the planets great adventurers, genuine explorers who dare to bring themselves fully to every experience. They don’t simply go with the flow, they are their own flow. They don’t simply act happily; they are happiness in action.

How wonderful to know the uncensored authenticity of another human being, who can take their cues from within and give to the world so freely without role playing in accordance with external standards.

Shortcuts to Happiness: Part xii

During most of my adult life I saw the world in a state of doom and gloom. Of course that had an effect on me as a functioning human being. I was consumed by my gloom, pessimism & ‘tragedies’ to be able to learn from my mistakes, so I kept repeating them until life became almost unbearable. I wasn’t in the flow of life….. the ebb & flow of the universe, like the great seas with endless motion of tides, the rhythms of the seasons, similarly, women in the same household will report that their monthly cycles occur simultaneously as if their internal body rhythms were synchronized. Clockmakers have noted that pendulum clocks on a wall in close proximity will subtly alter their rhythms and start ticking in unison. Scientists have found that two heart cells taken from two separate creatures when placed next to each other under a microscope will synchronize & start beating together. Have you ever heard someone saying how they’re just not “in-synch” with the day because ‘everything’ is going wrong!

Then something happened to alter my thinking and I made the decision to open myself to the possibility that all we encounter does have possibilities and opportunities for joy and for learning, that we can make all circumstances useful for our spiritual growth. Certainly a universe in which this possibility exists is “user friendly.” It might, in fact be even more friendly than we could have ever imagined. If we are our own belief makers, we can create any vision of the universe that we want and accumulate evidence to support it. In choosing the happiness option and the attitudinal changes and advantages that flow from it we open a window to a whole new world.

In my life, I have chosen the user friendly perspective including a belief & faith in a happy and loving G-d trying to help me to be happy and loving. My early training had brought me to a belief in a punishing, pain & suffering perspective of G-d and although I can say that I have learned from pain, I have grown so much more from happiness. I recognize that my increased inner ease, self acceptance and happiness that allowed me a profound spiritual change was not available in the midst of desperation and discomfort.

Shortcuts to Happiness: Part xi

To really know and understand, first hand, that people are well intentioned beneath their misery and fear teaches me about the greatness of human dynamics and enables me to be hopeful. We could stare with horror at all the “well intended” souls who use drugs, alcohol, arguments, abuse, murder & war to fill their desires. But we could also know that we are staring into the muddled and explosive face of unhappiness.

We can do our very best to try to prevent such activities, but we can also look at those around us, no matter how problematic and different they are from us, let’s start to look at the similarities, letting go of our prejudices and judgments. At the core, we all want happiness for ourselves, our children and others we love. Some people may use the terms (peace contentment, fulfillment, satisfaction.) But it all amounts to that one word, happy.

As I have grown to love people instead of hating, judging, jealousing, resenting, bittering, as best I can, because that’s what I was do-ing. My friends, acquaintances, children and strangers alike, I have developed great respect for their intentions. I have found that underneath the sometimes, bizarre behavior, there has been unhappiness.

If I’m loving and patient I can ask gently, probe a little, to help the other person help themselves by their own exploration in turn each exploration gives the other an opportunity to uncover and discard if they choose, their beliefs fueling their unhappiness and discomfort.

The point of change usually happens in an instant, as it does for many addicts and alcoholics when they have reached their bottom and have a ‘spiritual experience’ the sudden realization to bring about, a significant change in their lives.

Shortcuts to Happiness: Part x

Try to imagine how life would be, if the bank clerk was happy & smiling, or the bus driver, or the shop keeper or how your stay in hospital would have been much more bearable without the cantankerous head nurse yelling at everyone all day long. I say to myself that these people must be in a lot of pain, sick of their hurts of life......usually this is the case.

It has been my experience that when one person overcomes anxiety, insecurity, drug dependency, physical disability, fear of death, the trauma of rape, the agony of divorce or any other black hole of personal discomfort, all those around that person are touched by his or her triumphs. As one person becomes happier, his or her attitudinal change alters the dynamics of all those around them, thereby having an enormous impact on his family and friends.

If happiness means that we become easier, more comfortable with ourselves, more accepting of others and their opinions (we don’t really have to be right all the time!) respectful, excited and appreciative of what we do and with whom we interact with, would we not become a pleasure to all those we meet?

I have heard people tell me the most horrendous stories of what has happened to them and what they have done to others. Instead of grimacing or showing any form of internal judgment about what had been shared I have asked in a simple non-judgmental way “why are you labeling yourself a terrible or bad person."

Most likely the response is “Everyone in the world would call me terrible for that” I will repeat the question again……….knowing that I am not judging, but accepting him, (not his deeds), he will start to relax and more often than not the stories of his childhood will pour out, probably for the first time ever. What this does is opens a channel for a client, friend, child, spouse or loved one to be able to express himself in a safe, non threatening way.

To know that we are accepted for who we are warts and all, will bring about a change in our beliefs, our vision and our life. To become more self-accepting, as well as happier in our actions (keep on doing the next right thing, no matter what it takes) by being more nurturing and loving to ourselves, our families and friends.
We are the difference.

Some people say that the pursuit of happiness is trivial, self indulgent and self-serving. I don’t know what experiences those people have had, but in my experience I see that when people are happy, they are much more loving, supportive, and available to themselves and to those around them, however most reasonable people might say that, dealing with poverty, sickness, war, global warming and the woes of the world, should all take priority over a personal concern for individual happiness.

The implication is that happiness, as some people claim, is not only self serving but limited and therefore not worthy of consideration. How sad that schools do not offer classes on “how to be happy” instead we’re taught to think that we are responsible for all of the problems brought about in our own life and the lives of others.

Is it any wonder that we get stressed with all the pressures real and imagined starting to take medications to calm us down, cheer us up, give us energy, help us to sleep…… sometimes abusing those very things that we wanted to help us. Well why not ……..we feel that we have the weight of the world on our shoulders………. or so it seems.!!

So often we strive to change the world around us by changing others. We focus on external solutions to problems which can appear so overwhelming and complex that any reasonable hope of success seems remote. “What can I do?” we ask ourselves in despair. “I’m just one person.” The simple answer is that we can only change ourselves.

The irony is that for us individually and for the planet collectively there perhaps is no issue more pressing than personal happiness. To be happy – and all that happy implies- comfortable, loving, accepting, nonjudgmental, joyful, at peace with oneself, might in fact be the most pertinent prescription for dealing with what most of us are concerned with on a global, communal and personal level.

If just one person changes, becomes happier, touches another with a more loving, peaceful and generous hand, then the world has indeed, become a more loving and peaceful place. This has an effect on the world like a stone being thrown into the middle of a pond, its ripples spread throughout the water. Our capacity to change enables us to make a truly profound difference in the world.

Try it next time your angry, with your child, lover or spouse. Put your pride to one side and say a loving or empathetic word instead of an angry one, you’ll be amazed at the difference!

Acceptance is the pathway to happiness. We can’t change what isn’t ours to change.
We Are the Difference.

Shortcuts to Happiness: Part viii

When we inspire others to be happy, we inspire ourselves. Every situation becomes an opportunity. Children allow us to see the happiness option and the unhappiness option in action. They demonstrate an amazing power to turn switches on and off at will. As adults, we are no less powerful.

How often have we seen children in the supermarket crying and screaming for something on the shelf or in the cart and mums trying to appease the kid under the watchful, glaring eyes of other customers as if the child were being beaten to death, with embarrassment we give into to the glares and give in to the demands of the child. Immediately the child will stop screaming and will smile happily through the tears as she gobbles the goody and the customers stand looking approvingly. I’ve even heard some people applaud at such a scene………the child soon learns that to be unhappy pays off. If you scream and cry you get candy. I wonder if that little girl did the same in the next store!

Illusion #1: Unhappiness now gets us happiness later. Not so.! Using misery to fight misery just adds to more misery…..pure and simple.
Illusion #2: Unhappiness is a natural, unavoidable characteristic of the human condition. Not so again! Unhappiness follows from certain beliefs and judgments, which we choose and which we can change.

So often we hear ourselves and others make statements like the following: “She made me angry!” “He got me upset!” “If my parents would have been more supportive, I would have been happier.” ‘Balancing my check book makes me crazy.” “Your questions about our relationship make me feel insecure.” “Their proposition got me excited.” We talk as if our (emotions, anger, upset, happiness, craziness, insecurity or excitement) are caused by people, places or things.

Events are events and each of us chooses our response by how we decide to view them and by what beliefs and judgments we engage during the process. No one can be inside of our heads pulling our strings. We do that for ourselves.
Maybe someone might make a derogatory remark about us, so we can choose to take it as the insult that it was meant to be or we can choose to say that perhaps the person making the remark is prejudice or well……that’s just his own opinion and we can dismiss the remark and not give it any power.

We could take such self-empowerment and see it as depressing and feel unhappy and miserable over situations or we can be more liberating by choosing to make ourselves feel happy. If we have the power to make ourselves feel uncomfortable, miserable and angry, then we must also have the power to give ourselves the experience of comfort and peace of mind. Rather than be emotional victims to circumstances or blame other people for what we do and feel, we can take charge! We choose our state of mind. We are the belief makers. In this universe, happiness is a choice and misery is optional (Not inevitable.)

Shortcuts to Happiness: Part vii

Due to my own lack of clarity, my egotistical attitude and my dependence on self-reliance, for many years I missed the sign posts to happiness. I know now that I didn’t have to walk that road but for many years I wallowed in the denial of my addictions not knowing that I needed help.

For those of us who are just wallowing in egotism, pride, anger and other defective behavior we can make a choice to empower our pursuit of happiness and access shortcuts by making simple decisions and implementing them into our daily lives.

Such decisions empower us with an attitudinal change in every situation…everyday of our lives. It’s not a magical process so we can make happiness an achievable option if we can realize that we all as human beings ‘deserve to be happy.’ Perhaps the missing ingredient for me had been the unwillingness to establish a clear intention to make happiness a priority, the priority. Many of us make the mistake of searching for happiness everywhere except the place where happiness lies, inside of ourselves.

How many times have we heard people say that “we are going to India, Australia or Timbuktoo in search of ourselves,” well why go to such faraway places? Sometimes to experience new places or be placed in different situations, we can learn much about ourselves, but this is only knowledge. Unless we know how to implement our knowledge what’s the use of more knowledge.

We can begin by recognizing that we already had practice in creating personal happiness. We do it all the time, in small, yet meaningful ways. How many times have we raided the freezer for ice cream? Or come home after a grueling day and put on a favorite piece of music, kicked off our shoes, sank into our favorite chair and listened. Almost immediately there is a transformation by creating a personal happiness and used the vehicle of music to do it. For many people to start their day without their, hairdo and makeup would be a disaster.

Unfortunately many of us turn to, drugs or alcohol and we experience the illusion of happiness for a while until the effects wear off and for many, just one or two drinks is not enough, tolerance builds up and trouble starts. (In the near future there will be articles exclusive to addiction)

The myth underlying such well intended activities would be that music, ice cream, good hair days and makeup, bring happiness. Not so! We give ourselves that feeling also whilst anticipating, indulging in or recalling the experience. What we generate and feel has nothing directly to do with the stimulus outside and has everything to do with the ‘happiness option’ we trigger inside. What we discovered is that we can access that mechanism within as a choice or completely self generated decision without requiring any outside support. We can be happy without a reason…………because happiness is reason enough in itself.

Shortcuts to Happiness: Part vi

Is happiness a reality or an impossible dream? What does it mean to be happy? Some call happiness a feeling of satisfaction, comfort, fulfillment, and inner peace. Others refer to joy, excitement or sexual pleasures. The sensation of happiness might be unique to each of us; however we do know when we’re there.

We can note certain common characteristics. When we are happy we are accepting of ourselves (not judging ourselves) When we are happy with others, we are accepting of them (not judging others) Happiness brings us closer together rather than pushing us apart. But above all, happiness makes love possible. To love someone fully and completely is to be happy with that person, to accept him without judgments and be happy for his existence. To love ourselves fully and completely is to be happy and completely accepting of whom we are.

How many times have we said as children, to our parents or as adults to our spouses and friends say to close companions “can’t you just love and accept me as I am?” What we are really saying is “please just be happy with me” We might be saying that we are willing to change but “please don’t let your love be conditional on the changing”

Most of us hide away from the criticisms of others, but how much do we criticize ourselves? At home in the mirror or perhaps in a reflection of a shop window we will condemn ourselves for being too fat, or we tell ourselves that we are too slow, too stupid or too ugly. What we may silently or verbally ask from others, we deny ourselves. But we can become the ‘gift givers’ to others and ourselves, and the gift that we can offer is our happiness and the peace, love and acceptance that flow from us.

Without the thunder clouds of dis-ease (discomfort) fear, anger, depression, anxiety, hate, jealousy, sadness we free ourselves to see more clearly, to understand more deeply, and to be more open and energized in all pursuits of our lives. In contrast, unhappiness takes its daily toll on our lives. Unhappiness diverts us, diminishes our stamina, drains our energy and leaves us feeling depleted and performing an endless variety of self defeating acts like drug addiction, alcoholism, child abuse and physical ailments such as stomach ulcers or cancer, that are all testimonials to misery.

There is no single energy that has more impact on the universe than the joy and well being emanating from a truly happy, loving, person. When we are committed to creating a peaceful new world, inside and out, the old beliefs and ideas become irrelevant.

So we have to begin someplace or with someone so why don’t we start with you and me and with whomever else decides to pursue happiness with strength and passion. A very wise person once told me that “I am the only problem that I have therefore I am the only solution that I need!” It’s our choice - as it has always been.

Shortcut to Happiness: Part v

If we change one belief, we can change the feelings and behaviors that come with that belief. If we can change our vision, which consists of a whole set of beliefs, we can alter an amazing conglomerate of feelings and behaviors at once. People can change at any age. Where there is life, there is possibility. Even ancient beliefs can be overturned or replaced in a matter of moments.
We are the river.

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be
Abraham Lincoln.

If we’re so smart, why are many of us not happy?
Maybe it’s because we have not yet created a vision to support our reality. But we can if we choose to! Because we are the belief makers!

Each vision brings its own life experience and technology. Sometimes the impact defies our imagination. The search takes us and inspires us to take many adventures. In the light of modern living we can find comforts and luxuries to tickle our appetites for more and more. We can fly to foreign countries, we can make movies, fly men to the moon, we can have delicate laser surgery and build skyscrapers like never before and our technological inventiveness knows no bounds.

Yet the internal vision that drives us seems to be abnormally antiquated. We express anger, we’re judgmental and just as we did hundreds of years ago when we belittle, imprison and kill others whose lives and beliefs differ from our own.
We live with daily discomfort as we play out our fears with disease, drugs, alcohol, suicide, rape and murder. Everything has changed; but nothing is different. We have only become better at making war and more sophisticated at dulling our senses at what we don’t want to see.

In the face of such immense data and intelligence, what could we create in our lives by changing our internal vision and the attitude with which we can embrace ourselves and those around us? Desire, passion and the ingenuity of the mind has given birth to space shuttles, heart transplants, religious freedom and the like.

Could we take some familiar words, like happiness, love, peace, humility and tolerance and use our ingenuity to make them graspable and tangible now? If we did, would we be entering an age of transformation more profound than any other witnessed on the planet? If we take a little of that desire and willingness combined with passion the ingenuity and transfer it to our heart, can we now attain happiness as a sustained and transforming human experience? My own experience tells me so!
We are the river!

Shorcuts to Happiness: Part iv.

The impact of the beliefs we hold is profound. The ramifications can be devastating, but conversely, they can be empowering and liberating. If I think something is wrong with me or that I am unlovable, I will probably have corresponding feelings associated with such beliefs – sadness, isolation, and impotence. My actions will follow from that vision of myself.

I might leave a relationship or bury myself in my work to find some meaning or to make some sense of self-worth. Ultimately my body will reflect my mind set with sluggishness, a suppressed immune system, vulnerability to disease and viruses and, perhaps, make myself sick. We can indict ourselves and feel guilty or, in contrast, use the power of beliefs to determine more consciously what happens to us. With such a realization there comes hope, strength and an opportunity to create ourselves anew.

How many of us in the past were taught the value of discomfort as a means of growth. “No pain, no gain.” Some religious teachings offer a vision of suffering as a method of purification. We use unhappiness to motivate ourselves and others. We use fear of cancer to induce others to stop smoking and yet ironically there has never been so many cigarettes sold. We hate our fat bodies and we tell ourselves that we are ugly to encourage ourselves to diet; yet there are more people overweight than ever before. Children are spanked and abused to ‘teach them lessons’ and we express anger to our spouses and loved ones in the hope that we can change them but this only leads to resistance rather than compliance. We arm millions of soldiers around the world to keep the peace, but there are more wars than ever before.

Never the less we push on! We teach misery as a sign of caring (if I am unhappy, you should be unhappy to show me that you care) Is it any wonder we see people looking as if they are carrying the ‘weight of the world’ on their shoulders.

Once we have articulated our beliefs, some of them seem quite bizarre and self-defeating. This is why reviewing them provides us with a wondrous opportunity. Change the beliefs and we change the attitudes, thoughts, feelings and behaviors that come from them. Even after exploring our beliefs, if we choose to keep some of them, we would do so with strengthened conviction. Either way this becomes an altogether healthier situation. People can change at any age. Where there is life there is possibility. Even ancient beliefs can be overturned or replaced in a matter of moments.

We can observe our bodies and learn much about our beliefs. Physical symptoms can help make our wants and concerns more apparent. Thoughts occur body-wide; intelligence exists everywhere in our system. When we think we create new and distinct electromagnetic impulses and chemical substances throughout our entire body. When we say that we've changed our mind, we have made a statement of fact. Our minds as well as our bodies change physically each time we change our belief.

Remember that decision is ours, as it always has been!!

We are the river.......

Shortcuts to Happiness: (Part iii)

When we were small children we were encouraged to play ‘make believe’ we were encouraged to be imaginative and creative, to fantasize and enjoy. Then as we became older the messages from our parents and teachers started to change. What we heard was “grow up!” “be realistic!” make believe became a more serious game of ‘making beliefs’ perhaps being judgmental, drawing conclusions, deciding what’s good and bad, right and wrong. All of our emotions and behaviors then follow from the beliefs we create.

Our parents, teachers, political leaders, religious leaders, corporate executives compete busily to teach us or sell us beliefs so that they can influence our feelings and behavior. They know and we soon learn, that winning the games of power, both personal and political, depends on what we choose to believe.
Homemakers, army generals, doctors, truck drivers, lawyers……….almost everyone in our society today has this in common: they operate from their beliefs. How they vote, what sort of army they support, if any, where they live; what they buy; whom they marry; what clothes they will wear all come from a our beliefs.

We can understand the power of beliefs in the political and business world yet do we apply that same clarity to ourselves. Do the beliefs we hold serve us? Do they empower us or lead us to feel hopeless and inferior? Do they lead us to happiness or unhappiness?

Very often we will reformulate what other people say – the beliefs they sell – into conclusions or beliefs about ourselves. Most of which we have heard in childhood comments like these…….
· “be seen but not heard” (Conclusion: What I say doesn’t matter)
· “I know better than you” (conclusion: I’m not intelligent enough to know)
· ”You are too young to understand” (Conclusion: When I get older I’ll get smarter- I hope)
· “Don’t question what I say just listen” (Conclusion: Other people’s statements are more important than my own.)
· “You make me unhappy” (Conclusion: I have the power to cause unhappiness in people.)
· “If you loved me you would keep your room neat” (Conclusion: If I don’t do what my Mother wants it means I don’t love her.)

Once childhood and adolescence pass by then the messages appear to change, or do they?
· “If you loved me, you’d be more caring and sexually active” (Conclusion: I still have to do what people want in order to prove that I love them.)
· “You’ll never understand me” (Conclusion: It’s still not ok to disagree and have my own opinions.)
· “You make me furious” (Conclusion: I cause what others feel.)
· “Can’t you do it right?” (Conclusion: I’m inept and ill equipped; there must be something wrong with me.

We have a choice of questioning our beliefs, not as a sign of disrespect or indictment of ourselves or others, but to give ourselves an opportunity to review, to reaffirm, to change and most significantly, to facilitate happiness.

What we have been taught about ourselves and the world around us conspires to have us believe that living requires tremendous amounts of energy & that it is a great struggle.

Do any of the following sound familiar? "No pain no gain" " life is a constant struggle" " you have to take the bad with the good" " you never really get what you want" "you're unlovable" "something is wrong with you" (altho nothing is ever identifiable) "there is no justice in this world" "no one cares"

These phrases become mantras, we hear them once or many times & how many times do we repeat them to ourselves? They colour our vision, and send us searching..... for what? what have we become? Victims of our own thoughts & beliefs?
Our vision is a life full of all of the above, struggles & pain.... life becomes a self fullfilling prophecy.

Suppose we set aside the rigid concepts of "lifes struggles" that we have learned & begin to entertain the possibility that there is another view of existence. We need to take away the logical, linear view of existence with fixed points & hard facts & consider a metaphor which reveals the ever changing nature of our world.

We swim in a river of life. We can never put our foot into the river in the same place twice. In every second, the water beneath us changes. Likewise, in every second the foot that we put into the river fills with new blood. Instead of celebrating the motion, we try to hold onto the roots and stumps at the bottom of the river as if letting go & flowing with it would be dangerous. In effect we try to freeze frame life in still pictures, but the river is not fixed and neither are we...........

Although we can see continuity - seasons come & go, flowers bloom, trees get taller, people get older - we can acknowledge that with each unfolding moment, nevertheless, presents a world different from that of the last moment.
We could say that the world is born anew in every second. This is an amazing opportunity for change.

We can stop acting as if our opinions and perspectives have been carved in stone & begin to become more fluid, more open & more changeable.
We are in the river....
We are the river....

Shortcuts to Happiness Part l

Unhappiness is not inevitable

Even when we are angry, judgmental and miserable, we have the best of intentions.

We have been systematically taught to use discomfort as a strategy to take care of ourselves.

We can un-teach ourselves…………….. and begin again.

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Unhappiness is not an enemy………..just a choice.

This is not based on a moral imperative: No shoulds or should nots, just choices.

When we choose happiness, we choose love & inner peace.

When we choose love and inner peace, we will help others on the planet choose it as well…by our example.

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We can live our dreams….instead of just dreaming them.

We can make a difference!

We ARE the difference.